It’s been a month since my last journal entry. I’d say not a lot has happened since then, aside from me passing training, I guess. I also got a Kindle, which I absolutely love. I haven’t found the time to get fully absorbed in it yet, but my brief moments with it are truly special. I expected it to be a better experience than reading on my phone, but I was surprised by how much more comfortable an e-reader is compared to a smartphone, which bombards your eyes with glare and blue light, especially when it’s quite dark.
I don’t want to talk too much about my Kindle, but I must mention how beautiful it is when you turn off the front light and add an anti-glare, paper-feel screen protector. It’s almost as if you’re reading a physical book, which is amazing. You can tell I adore this new trinket; I’m just very happy with it.
Now, to something that’s been bugging me lately. What is “Empathy,” really? I used to love using that word. It was one of my top three, alongside “Altruism” and “Kindness.” However, I keep encountering “Empathy” at work, and I must say: that place is one of the least empathetic environments I’ve ever seen. I don’t want to use such strong words here, but I wouldn’t be lying if I said the place is a disgusting, hypocritical environment. I feel sick just entering the premises. I work in Customer Service, yet there are only a handful of times when I feel I’m actually helping someone other than the company.
In one of my support chats, I encountered a mother whose son had fallen from a high place and was being rushed to the hospital. Naturally, she wanted to cancel her order. To say I had no problem with that is an understatement. But due to company policy, I cannot simply cancel an order without the restaurant’s consent. I called the restaurant, and they rejected the request. The mother insisted, and I understood her desperation. I tried calling the restaurant again, explaining the situation this time, only to receive a loud denial and a hurl of insults.
I went back to the mother to apologize and explain that cancellation was impossible. Out of options, I suggested she message the rider to leave the food in a safe place or deliver it to the hospital; I didn’t want the food to be wasted and hoped she and her son could eat once things settled. But through some stroke of bad luck—or perhaps a misunderstanding—the mother lashed out. She asked how she was supposed to enjoy lunch while her son was in excruciating pain. She told me how heartless I was, how awful the company is, and that I should be ashamed of my hesitance to cancel. Despite my attempts to de-escalate and show I was on her side, it was to no avail. She threatened to post our conversation on social media to show the world how “disgusting” I am.
I am at a loss for words. What could I have done? This is not a call for sympathy or an opportunity to display self-pity; I am truly eager to know what I could have done better. Was it because I am still not proficient with the English language? I am genuinely curious. I am hurt. I must let you know that my attempts at kindness and “empathy” weren’t just unheard during my contacts; they were dismissed. I have to admit that no matter how gently I speak to my co-workers, some of them still take my words the wrong way.
I recently passed training and was endorsed to a team last Wednesday. Unfortunately, my team leader was away and would not return until Friday. Coincidentally, I was unable to go to work on the day of her return. I don’t know if this was the cause, but since I’ve been back, she has been staring daggers at me, particularly when I have a question. This has made me hesitant to reach out whenever I am lost. It is totally normal for a newbie to have questions, don’t you think? And it’s not as if I’ve been performing poorly. For a newcomer, my ratings are actually very good, even when compared to my more tenured workmates. So again, I must ask: What could I have done better? What am I doing wrong?
I am so tired. I truly am. Just the idea of going back to work tomorrow scares me, but I have no choice. I have to pay for my bills, I need to eat. The fatigue of the previous week still lies on my shoulders, making them feel extremely heavy. I wish for it to go away, but how?
I have lost my faith in the word “Empathy.” It was a word that gave me strength for a long while, but it now disgusts me that such a beautiful concept has been defiled by people who hardly know its true purpose. It disgusts me that I have to power through corporate talk, corporate slang, corporate art styles, and corporate everything else.
Dear me: I implore you to find solace away from this wasteland, and if you ever do, please don’t look back.